Haunting nightmares

Have you ever had nightmares that kept haunting you for a long time? I've had a few of those that kept haunting me for years during my life and I think the one I've had last night is one of those, too.
When you wake up in the middle of the night, confused, anxious, agitated, disoriented, caught between being asleep and awake and you can't really tell reality from dream. That lingering echo of the nightmare has its claws dug deep into the nape of your neck and keeps doing that for hours, days. And this feeling of uneasiness and discomfort just won't go away. You're still having that nightmare while being awake because it never really lets go.
I fucking hate that.

Flesh and Bone

When I look into the mirror I know that the face and body I'm looking at belong to me, they are mine and part of me. But they don't feel like they are me, who I am. They feel like a mere shell, a coat, a casing which hides what lies underneath, who I really am. My body is just a vessel, a machine built from flesh and bone, and the me inside is dispersed within that matter. I don't feel like the body I'm looking at is me. Sometimes it even feels like I'm looking at a stranger and only my eyes give away that I'm inside this body. Strangest feeling ever.

Past and Present

Past and Present
(Self-portrait)

Growing up is painful. Not only because of growing pain or that confusing time of not knowing where to go or who to be(come). Being an adult is painful. Not only because of all the responsibilities and stuff that is expected from you and the limitations and boundaries that you're not really able to escape from.

As a child, I wished for growing up fast. So that I could do whatever I wanted and not being caught in this shithole called my childhood anymore. So that I could escape and spread my wings. Like most kids do, I guess.
Now that I'm all grown up, it pains me to look back. To look at who I was, what has been, what has happened, what that all did to ...

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Korn in Stuttgart, 24.03.2017

Hachja... kaum gibt's keine wirklich "dringende" Motivation mehr, lass ich meinen Na'vi-Blog wieder schleifen. Na ja, Wurst.

Ich war gestern mit meinem Freund zusammen das erste mal auf 'nem Korn-Konzert in Stuttgart.

Die beiden Vorbands waren nich mein Fall; Hellyeah hat so oder so schon n Pluspunkt, weil Chad Grey der Frontmann is, aber mir wär's lieber gewesen, wenn er mit Mudvayne dort aufgetreten wäre. Der nichtmal 30minütige, heruntergerissene Quicky war echt... underwhelming. Ich hab' anfangs nichtmal sicher sagen können, ob das jetzt Chad oder irgend ein Ersatz auf der Bühne war. o.-
Heaven Shall Burn is nich mein Fall; Metalcore war noch nie so meins... Wobei ich den Jungs lassen ...

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Static Sound

Static Sound

Well, connected to this post here.

On hiding your real you

Back. Well, that Na'vi post on my other blog was quite... underwhelming, lol. If I can come up with anything better I'll add it to it later.

Anyway, where was I going... ah, right. Hiding your true self. Every single one of us carries that little core inside. That core that is your essence, the real you, everything and every side of you you're trying to hide away from all those prying eyes or eyes who wouldn't really see and/or understand. Call it inner child, call it ugly sides, call it fetishes, call it traumatic stuff, call it whatever you want, it doesn't really matter. That core is composed of many things that we try to hide away - or have to hide in order to survive on a daily basis.
...

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That grainy noise

Meh, I still have to come up with something to post on my other blog; since the Weekly Na'vi Post project thingy is about to end, it would be a shame if I'd miss out on posting one last time as part of that project. Uhm, yeah, guess I'll just write about exactly that, hrh. It's about practicing anyway, so why the hell not.

Here I wanted to write about something different, tho. About what, exactly? Still can't kinda wrap my head around it...
Exactly this is kinda like a (n almost) constant state I'm in; my brain is always running on like 120%, always hyped up, never really calm or taking a break, always thinking about something, there's always background noise going on, kinda like static, ...

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Lest I forget

To me, Art is more than just an imitation or interpretation of life. Art is my life, and my art is me. Drawing anything just to draw something isn't what I want, what I need. Not on the long run. Of course, it's my job to take commissions from strangers and take their visions and feelings and translate them into a picture, into something that has a meaning to them, that is important to them. I've been doing that on a daily basis for the past... 3+ years, without a break. I've tried before to find myself again, I tried to draw in my old style, trying to get to the gutter of my soul again and tear some shit to the surface, but I wasn't really able to. So I kinda just... drew two new versi...

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"Morast" + "Finding myself again" (copy+pasted)

Copy-pasted from my other blog.

Morast

16. Februar 2017
Mir geht es seit einigen Jahren eigentlich ziemlich gut. Kleinere depressive Phasen, die aber mitnichten vergleichbar mit denen von früher sind - früher kannte ich über Jahre hinweg, eigentlich mein halbes Leben, nichts anderes als... "dies".

Im Laufe der Zeit verinnerlichte ich es, es wurde zu meiner Normalität, zu mehr als nur einem Teil von mir. Meine Welt, meine Realität, mein Inneres, mein Äußeres, ich. Meine Kunst war mein einziges wirkliches Sprachrohr, mein einziger, wirklicher Sinn. Der Schmerz war meine Kunst, meine Kunst war ich.

Seit ein paar Jahren habe ich immer wieder das Gefühl, ich hätte mich selbst, meinen Kern ...

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Well, hi

I thought I maybe shouldn't contaminate my language learning nerd blog with any more "dark" posts, so I created this blog here as a quick and easy outlet for all the stuff that's going on inside my head and which I feel the need to write down.

Posts here will be either in English or German, depending on my mood or how fast I need to type or how I'm able to convey feelings in either of these languages.

For my more peace, love and harmony-ish blog about Na'vi, visit Tskxekeng ne tìyo' - for more info about me and/or my art, go to SickDelusion.com.

Ah and greetings to that fucktard who took sickdelusion.blogspot.com in order to never post something ever up til today.

Also, this blog isn't a cry for help or begging for pity - you can keep that to yourself (constructive thoughts are always welcome tho). It's just here for me to sort my thoughts and to get 'em out of my head. Simple as that.

"You don't have to watch me sewing myself back together again"

Nothing To See Here