Lest I forget

To me, Art is more than just an imitation or interpretation of life. Art is my life, and my art is me. Drawing anything just to draw something isn't what I want, what I need. Not on the long run. Of course, it's my job to take commissions from strangers and take their visions and feelings and translate them into a picture, into something that has a meaning to them, that is important to them. I've been doing that on a daily basis for the past... 3+ years, without a break. I've tried before to find myself again, I tried to draw in my old style, trying to get to the gutter of my soul again and tear some shit to the surface, but I wasn't really able to. So I kinda just... drew two new versions of two old pictures, and half-heartedly tried to draw something dark again, hoping to use these as a valve, an outlet. Didn't work. Eat shit or die, so the daily routine went on again. Draw, draw, draw. For others. Always for others. Or meaningless pretty (fan art) crap that's just superficial.

But I can't go long by just that. If I keep doing this for too long I lose touch with myself. I become numb and nervous and depressed for no reason, at least no visible reason because I'm not reflecting on myself; because I don't question anything regarding myself; because I become afraid of digging shit up that could make be become unstable again. So I just go along with the daily routine and literally become a mindless zombie. A functioning machine. Nothing more.
But I don't want that. I can't do that.

So I had to do what I did. A trip to the sewer, face down, getting dirty, feeling like crap and happy at the same time and making the best out of it. I guess that's (among other things) what I need to do to stay as sane and stable and myself as I can. To remember who I am, to never forget what has been and what currently is, where I've started and what I've achieved. To stay in touch with myself.

Lest I forget, I've tattooed myself on Thursday again. A piece of bandage wrapped around my left wrist in between the tattoos that already been there. Just a little reminder, so to speak. "Don't forget who and what you are."