Anyway, where was I going... ah, right. Hiding your true self. Every single one of us carries that little core inside. That core that is your essence, the real you, everything and every side of you you're trying to hide away from all those prying eyes or eyes who wouldn't really see and/or understand. Call it inner child, call it ugly sides, call it fetishes, call it traumatic stuff, call it whatever you want, it doesn't really matter. That core is composed of many things that we try to hide away - or have to hide in order to survive on a daily basis.
Your coworkers or the cashier in that supermarket or even rather good acquaintances or even your (closest) friends wouldn't really want to cope with that, so we all act. At least to some extent. It's very difficult to find people who would want to see and even accept the real you.
We all have a patchwork identity, several parts and roles of us stitched together to form this entirety of being which is you. If you've never thought about it until know, give it a try. You'll notice that you act differently around coworkers instead of, for example, your loved ones who are fairly close to you. We're all chameleons. And that is perfectly fine. It's part of human nature. And we do and/or control this either consciously or unconsciously.
But using your patchwork-identity or different faces consciously is still somewhat different, in kind of a bad way. In a way. If you get what I mean.
It's just that... this acting makes me sick. At least when you have to act. Have to hide away everything which could make a bad impression but is an essential part of you, in order not to scare away others or lose opportunities or whatever. It's lying. It's being unfaithful and dishonest to others and especially to yourself.
But in our society we have to go along with that, I guess, and just stick to acting and small talk and talking about superficial stuff that isn't interesting at all. At least that's how it is when it comes to myself.
That's another reason why I love my art and other (disturbing) shit. Like movies or artwork from other artists or truths and facts which are so repulsive, it makes you wanna turn your head around and look away, but instead, you keep looking and get sucked in and captured by it and endure whatever this does to you. Because it's forcing you to look at ugly truths, about what is really there, what would usually be hidden or what no one would rather not see any other way.
I love stuff like that. I just love it. And I love it when people feel the same way about my art, about my thoughts, about anything that originates within me. It's one of the things that makes me feel happy and accomplished.
All this superficial stuff is making me sick. I can really feel it, it makes my stomach turn. Fake smiles and pretending to be happy all the time, faking happiness, talking about superficial and unimportant stuff all the time, WHO THE FUCK CARES! UGH!
I definitely don't.
I guess many of us know moments like this. When you can't stand that nonsense small talk anymore, but you go along with it and fake a smile or try to change the topic because it's making you sick.
Or screaming internally so loud you can't even hear or own thinking anymore, but you stand there with either a blank face or fake emotion. Blergh.
Talking to a customer and faking interest in whatever he's telling you or is complaining about, because you just don't fucking care, but you have to stay friendly and fake interest, so you just do it and get it over with.
Why the fuck are we doing this to each other, lol.
Yeah, I know. Because it's easier, prettier, more convenient and less dangerous. And because that's just how it's done. Bah. THIS is fucking repulsive to me.
I wish we'd be able more often to have a glance at all the ugly you's, all the stuff you're trying to hide away so badly. Not because it's more entertaining, but rather because it's just more honest. Less fake. More real.
Hiding your real you all the time is also painful. No wonder so many people suffer from depression and/or gastric ulcers or worse. Did you ever wonder about that?
It's not just endogenous causes or abuse or traumatic events or too much work or whatever, imho THIS is often a reason for people to develop mental issues or not being able to recover 100% from them.
There were times when this hiding away game made me even more sick and mentally ill. Well, no more. Of course, it's still aggravating and sickening, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
Luckily today I can accept the complete me. All good sides, all bad, fucked up and twisted sides. I love being who I am, however difficult and sometimes unbearable it may be. I can embrace myself, whatever others might think of me. A couple of years ago the exact opposite was the case, tho. I cared too much about what others thought of me. For what? Always feeling insufficient, too damaged, too fucked up, too different, too much a failure. Well, FUCK YOU ALL.
Also all of you who just wanna see the sickeningly sweet and bright sides of life and ignore the whole of reality. Just fuck off.
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| Seelenschwaerze |
"Es ist eigentlich eine Schande, nie sein Innerstes komplett nach außen kehren zu können. Die dunkelsten Seiten, die ungetrübte Wahrheit ist zu schwer für jene Schultern, denen man sie auferlegen will. So oder so bleibt nur bittere Einsamkeit.
Man kann das tiefste Selbst zwar erahnen, doch bleibt stets nur Ungewissheit. Keine Masquerade, kein Spiegel zeigt das, was sich seinen Weg in die Außenwelt bahnen will.
Körper sind nur dunkle Kerker, Verließe ohne Schloss, Herzen ohne Schlüssel."
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