Past and Present

Past and Present
(Self-portrait)

Growing up is painful. Not only because of growing pain or that confusing time of not knowing where to go or who to be(come). Being an adult is painful. Not only because of all the responsibilities and stuff that is expected from you and the limitations and boundaries that you're not really able to escape from.

As a child, I wished for growing up fast. So that I could do whatever I wanted and not being caught in this shithole called my childhood anymore. So that I could escape and spread my wings. Like most kids do, I guess.
Now that I'm all grown up, it pains me to look back. To look at who I was, what has been, what has happened, what that all did to me. At least the stuff I can remember, which is not that much, to be honest. Still. And it doesn't really matter, at least not here, not to you.
Point is, when I now look at me while looking back, it's painful and amazing of what that all can do to a human being. What that has made me. From good to bad to hell to bad to mediocre to kinda good. But it will never be as good again as those few first years. It hurts. It makes me sad. Not always, sometimes it makes me strong and proud and confident seeing what I've survived and overcome. But most of the times it just hurts.

Well, I guess being able to grieve for yourself, your past self, your past and all that is important, too. Even though it wanna makes me curl up in a ball and hide from everyone and everything until the day I die, but hey. I'm an adult now. I have to do stuff in order to do stuff. So what the fuck, eh. Even tho I still feel like a child most of the time. Like I've not grown at all. But then again I know I did. Living and being alive is confusing as fuck.